***This post pales in comparison to the stories of adversity that so many families face with regards to their children. I completely understand that. In a way, I feel superficial for making this a big deal. But though my head can think rationally, my heart is feeling otherwise. I wanted to write this down and post some photographs to help in my own healing process***
Grayson has a new smile and I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it makes me feel sad.
On Sunday we spent the afternoon at the park. I spread a blanket over some grass under the shade of a tree to sit and read. I put out snacks and Grayson happily grabbed another graham cracker from its package. JP leaned back onto the blanket and took a moment to rest before he got up to push Grayson on the swing. It seemed idyllic.
As soon as I saw him jumping, I knew that the sharp rocks were bad news. I glanced up from my book to tell Grayson to be careful, though not too worried because for the most part he’s unbreakable. Then I heard the crying and watched JP scoop Grayson up into his arms, while his little hands were clutching his busted lip. I reached for my baby and curled him up in my arms, rubbing his back to reassure him that he was ok. That’s when he told me he was afraid that he was going to lose his tooth. As I carefully parted his lips, I saw that his left front tooth was bent back, and when I tried to push it forward, it wouldn’t budge.
We immediately left the park and went straight to an emergency dentist. Thank goodness for my iphone and Google. The dentist advised that the best thing would be for us to leave the tooth alone. Nothing was broken and there would be no sense in traumatizing the tooth again if it wasn’t necessary. He told us that there’s a good chance that Grayson’s tooth will turn dark….that it will be dead.
When I got home I placed Grayson in front of the TV and then I called my mom. I didn’t call her looking to be comforted but called because I knew I had to. I sobbed into the phone as I explained what happened and she cried with me. After listening to my panic and grief, she sent me on my way with words of encouragement. Afterward, I held Grayson in my arms and we watched more shows. As I held him tight, I let my tears slide quietly down my face.
This morning my baby was perfect. Every bump, bruise, scratch, or scrape he ever received has healed. I realize that it’s only a baby tooth and it will eventually fall out, but for the next few years this tooth will be a constant reminder of how I failed him.
Loving my child is an all-encompassing, powerful, yet impossibly painful kind of love. Grayson is my whole world. It hurts to think about other children asking him what’s wrong with his tooth, or God forbid they tease him about it. It makes me feel physically ill when I let my mind wander in that direction. I want Grayson to have the best childhood, to never face hardship, and to always feel secure. I want to protect him from everything. I know this is unrealistic, but how could I want anything less for my baby?
This evening Grayson remains perfect. He is still the smartest, most handsome Bitty Man in the whole wide world and I am going to do my best to fall in love with his brand new smile.
